Take That, Chekhov

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — The world's most famous groundhog saw his shadow Monday morning, predicting that this already long winter will last for six more weeks.

Congressional Democrats and probably a few "Republicans" are determined not to take this lying down. An enormous "Spring Stimulus" bill, intended to "fix" this seasonal problem, is expected any moment. In addition to funding for items like heat lamps, tulip bulbs, and mandatory recalibration of all thermometers to always display 72°F, the bill includes vast provisions for "necessary investments" in free sunglasses and iPods for anyone registered to vote Democrat, art supplies for convicts, and a new law forcing anyone earning more than $50,000 per year to hand their first-born over to someone earning less.

Expert meteorologists the world over agree that the bill will likely extend winter by an additional 8-16 weeks. Future generations are expected to spend half the year in total darkness.